Choosing our Battles

John Gottman says in his book, "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" that there are two main types of problems in a marriage. First is perpetual problems. I like to think of these as chronic pains. The second is solvable problems. This can also be understand as problems that have a solution. He says that unfortunately most problems in marriage are perpetual. He says, "When choosing a long-term partner....you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems that you'll be grappling with for the next ten, twenty, or fifty years". This can be a little disheartening to think about, especially when you are at the beginning of the long journey of marriage. However, he points out in the book that perpetual problems do not need to interfere with marital satisfaction. They are much like a chronic pain or ache, and when you learn how to forgive and cope and can communicate effectively about these problems, you marriage will still be full of happiness and satisfaction. This was really hopeful to me. It seems counter intuitive, that there can be happiness and perpetual problems, but if there is humor, love and consecration in your marriage, the problems do not have to define or distract from your ultimate happiness.